What’s love? Why can’t I feel it? Cringy but bear with me. Honestly these questions have been lingering in my head since only God knows when, but nowadays it has been suffocating me to the point of making me feel so bitter towards everything about love. But no worries, I’m all fine now hehe.
Let’s not pretend that we don’t know which kind of love that I’m talking about right now. Obviously I’ve never been in any serious relationship before..kinda suck but at least I’ll get to introduce my soulmate here in the future (now that I realise…maybe he’s waiting for my blog so I can talk about him 24/7 here pfffttt in your dream mister). I honestly feel so blessed to have this blog to document my firsts and share it with you guys hehe.
Anyway, ever since uni started and that I’ve been attending it everyday for a month now, everyone gotten so comfortable with each other already. So that includes getting a peek of everyone’s personal life; or rather love life. I’m a sucker for love stories, name it fictional or from real life experiences. So every time my friends share their stories, I’d always be the one who’s listening with her palms on her cheeks while squealing and spazzing a bit. Loser haha. I’d feel all bubbly and happy until someone drop the bomb.
“How about you Miza? Do you have any boyfriend?”
“I’ve never had any boyfriend before. 19 years of living but I’ve yet to found the one. The furthest my love life has gone to was getting myself lied on and the rest I just could adore from a far.”
I’d feel sad after that and would start to compare myself with others. I know that I wasn’t supposed to do that but sometimes when you’re at your lowest, you just can’t help yourself. Then you would start to question God why can’t you have a normal love life like everyone else around you. The pressure was real when boss chick asked the same question, laughed out loud in front of her and joked “nobody wants me”. Only God knows how much it actually disturbed me and you guys be laughing if I tell you that I cried my eyeballs out alone after that, but I’m not gonna lie.
I used to think that I’m an independent lady who needs no man, who’d stand up on her own feet and wouldn’t care a single thing about love. But my 16 years old self was delusional, she’d totally feel disappointed with the current me. But to whom shall I put the blame on as I’m just a girl that’s created by Allah with normal girly needs? I need to feel loved, I want to wake up in someone’s embrace and I’m totally curious about these butterflies that everyone’s talking about.
In the midst of being bitter, another question struck me. If I were to be with someone, how would he look like? Pfftt easy, as handsome as Kim Jongdae or Daler Yusuf. How about his attitude? Of course funny, kind, generous, smart and most importantly, pious.
And the realisation finally hits in.
If I found this guy, would he want me?
I started to reflect and compare myself with the vision of my dream guy. Oh boy, we’re a total and complete opposite.
I want a kind guy but am I kind enough to people and to myself? I want a smart guy but have I embrace enough knowledge in this world and impact others with it? I want a pious guy but have I totally and sincerely devote myself to Allah s.w.t?
The answer to my problem is there and it’s actually, me.
I was too busy looking for a perfect guy that I forgot to improve myself and gotten myself blinded from the fact that everything should start from me.
“Good women are for good men, and good men are for good women” – An-Noor 24:26
It has been promised and all I should actually worry about is myself. I should be the one who’s supposed to improve and strive for the best version of me and I’m honestly still too far from that. The reason why I still haven’t found my soulmate is probably because Allah wants the best for me and in order to get the best, I should fix myself first.
And in order to fix myself, I need no other than the Almighty and the One and only, Allah s.w.t. I need to fix my relationship with Him first. He is actually the One.
For now, this is my kind of romance. Why should I feel lonely when I have Allah, He is sufficient. He can give me anything and He knows what’s best and what’s bad for me. He handles my life and I should face it according to His guidance, avoid all the things that He has prohibited us to do. Be kind to people, myself and even towards animals. I’ve so much to improve on but I’ll try, no matter how slow it’ll take, I mean it’s not easy to change into a better person, but at least there should be improvements.
My soulmate will come when I’m ready and that’s still a secret that only Allah knows for now. See, being in a relationship isn’t all about rainbows and glitters. I heard enough stories from my friends about flaws that their boyfriends have (so mean these people but hey it’s reality haha). It’s impossible to end up with a perfect guy because we’re not meant to be unflawed. Even if I’ve reached the best version of me, I’d still have my own flaws and weaknesses that cannot be fixed by myself. That’s why we’re created in pairs, so that we can fill each others’ weaknesses, conceal each flaws, accept it and become a strong team. But how are you gonna help your soulmate when you yourself are still lost and far from Allah? So ladies, whether you’re still single or already in a relationship, never neglect or worse, abandon your relationship with Allah s.w.t.
So as for now, whenever someone ask me about my boyfriend, I should just say
“I don’t have but don’t worry, Allah’s testing me so He can can give me the best and most handsome man ever as the reward” teeheeeee~